So... I had a pretty green glass bottle I wanted to put on the porch so it would catch the light and look all cool and stuff. So I went out there and did so. And turned around to let myself back in.

And discovered that the porch door had somehow locked itself.

I did what any reasonable person stuck on their porch in their pajamas would do. I told the cat to unlock the door.

Although he's figured out door handles, this one was apparently beyond him. Though he did look most distressed at the way mommy kept cussing and yanking at the handle.

Shit.

Okay - can't stay on the porch all night. And my partner's in North Carolina on business.

Shit.Shit.Shit.

Well, okay. Vault off the porch. Pad over to the neighbor's in my bare feet (thank the gods it's balmy out - and I have pants on - and the neighbor is home).  Neighbor very kindly lets me in and allows me to use his phone to call my mother.

Why? Because she has my partner's cell number. And my partner has the number for Mattsiah's new cell phone. And HE has the only other key to the house.

Go through said sequence of calling, disturbing the hell out of my mom and relieving the hell out of my partner, whom I'd been IM'ing and had wondered what had happened to me when I abruptly stopped responding in the middle of a conversation. Mattsiah laughs at me - but says he'll come. I call my mom back to tell her I have a rescuer on the way and that I'll be staying at my neighbor's until he gets there... not roaming the street in the dark in my PJ's. Neighbor is very hospitable and chats with me until the cavalry arrives.

I have no idea how that door locked itself. I didn't think it COULD. And now the mechanism works just as fine as you please.

But I am making some damn duplicates tomorrow.

Ironically, as I pulled into the garage tonight I was just thinking I should probably do that on my week off. You'd think by now that when the little voices suggest something, I'd be smart enough to do it RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Which is probably why my amazing powers of telekinesis didn't choose that moment to kick in... though Featherfall worked well enough.

So I'm in a meeting today. And the small talk commences while we're all waiting for my co-worker's laptop to acknowledge that 1) it has a wireless card 2) the building is capable of wireless internet and 3) this wireless card and the wireless internet can work together for a happy, harmonious web conference.

(as background - I work in Records & Information Management - which is, as most departments are, shortened to a three letter acronym.)

So, amidst this small talk and
refraining-from-cursing-at-the-gods-of-technology-who-must-be-descended-from-Loki, my boss pipes a question across the conference room table, loudly enough that all can hear.

"Hey, did anyone see that RIM job that just got posted on the intranet?"

I very nearly put coffee out my nose. I choke, and gasp, and turn funny colors... as the rest of my co-workers look at me blankly.

Then the light of understanding dawns on my boss. She turns the color of her jacket - which I hadn't previously thought possible.

About ten seconds later, the clue bat hits everyone else - or at least they figure out that it's probably dirty as hell and don't want to look ignorant.

I spent the rest of the meeting thinking of dead puppies and spilled Scotch to keep from giggling.

From Stupid news 4-4-07

POLICE CATCH THE GUY WHO CARJACKED A WOMAN. . . THEN GOT BEAT DOWN BY HER SIX-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

Over the weekend, police in Miami FINALLY found 34-year-old Erick Fuentes and arrested him. . . after a MONTH-LONG manhunt. And we're excited, because now, we get to help publicly humiliate this idiot. . . for getting WHOOPED by a first grader.

On March 1st, Erick attacked Atheysha Diaz of Allapattah, Florida, in her driveway. . . then drove away in her Acura. . . WITH her two kids, two-year-old Jose and six-year-old Briana, in the backseat. But Briana wasn't having it.

From the backseat, she started PUNCHING Erick. . . and then, she grabbed the book she was reading. . . a hardcover copy of some delightful children's story called "Sarah's Unicorn". . . and started POUNDING Erick in the head with it!!!

He couldn't take the beating, so he threw Briana and Jose out of the car and sped off. He ended up crashing it into a telephone pole.

The police finally tracked him down in Allapattah, and arrested him for carjacking, kidnapping, aggravated battery and battery. He's been in prison before on grand theft charges. (Miami Herald)

Our cat Pushkin loves packing peanuts, as apparently he was given some of the biodegradable kind to play with as a kitten.

No problem - we were warned when we adopted him and promptly rid ourselves of any and all packing peanuts in the house (there weren't many).

So the other night, I hear this strange crunching sound. I turn around - dude is sinking his teeth into a packing peanut.

What the hell...? I take it away, give him a (much less satisfying, I'm sure) wedge-shaped mouse.

About two hours later.... crunch, crunch.

Another packing peanut.

This has continued for several days. I kid you not, we have completely GUTTED the basement. No packing peanuts. We even tried following him down - but he suddenly looked like he suspected what we were on about and proceeded to lead us on a wild goose chase.

I'm beginning to believe that there is a wyrmhole in our basement.

In other news, it's 80 degrees out right now. I realize those who live in the south might not be impressed.... but about a month ago, it was 40-something BELOW ZERO.

I imagine the meteorologists never get bored in this state...

So this lady calls up all in a tizzy because she made these boxes up and needs someone from the delivery team to come pick them up NOWNOWNOW because they're getting new furniture, you see, and so they need to go away in a big hurry. (She likes to talk in run-on sentences.)

New furniture, I've found, makes one incapable of planning these sorts of things even a day in advance.

So, okay, FINE, the necessary paperwork gets made, the delivery team gets called, and one of the guys comes down and fetches the paperwork so he can deal with this paper crisis.

Minutes after he leaves, the phone rings again. Same lady, again all in a tizzy because. Different tizzy, though. We need to contact the delivery team and tell them that their guy can't come up yet.

Why not, you might ask?

Well, you see, someone up there is using a BREAST PUMP and therefore cannot be exposed to male eyes.

/facepalm

Because you wouldn't, you know, use the nursing room for that.